Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
