I Believed Myself to Be a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Enabled Me to Realize the Truth

In 2011, several years ahead of the renowned David Bowie exhibition debuted at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I publicly announced a lesbian. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had married. After a couple of years, I found myself nearing forty-five, a freshly divorced caregiver to four kids, making my home in the US.

Throughout this phase, I had started questioning both my gender identity and attraction preferences, looking to find clarity.

Born in England during the dawn of the seventies era - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my peers and I lacked access to Reddit or digital content to turn to when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; conversely, we looked to celebrity musicians, and throughout the eighties, musicians were challenging gender norms.

The iconic vocalist donned masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman wore feminine outfits, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured members who were proudly homosexual.

I desired his lean physique and defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and male chest. I wanted to embody the Berlin-era Bowie

Throughout the 90s, I lived driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I reverted back to femininity when I opted for marriage. My spouse moved our family to the US in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw back towards the male identity I had earlier relinquished.

Given that no one experimented with identity quite like David Bowie, I decided to spend a free afternoon during a seasonal visit visiting Britain at the V&A, anticipating that possibly he could guide my understanding.

I lacked clarity precisely what I was seeking when I stepped inside the show - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the opulence of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, discover a insight into my true nature.

Before long I was facing a compact monitor where the visual presentation for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the primary position, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while to the side three accompanying performers wearing women's clothing clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the drag queens I had encountered in real life, these female-presenting individuals didn't glide around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked disinterested and irritated. Placed in secondary positions, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their diminished energy. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the supporting artists, with their thick cosmetics, ill-fitting wigs and constricting garments.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to conclude. At the moment when I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them tore off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I wanted to remove everything and become Bowie too. I desired his narrow hips and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his male chest; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, artist's Berlin phase. And yet I found myself incapable, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Declaring myself as homosexual was one thing, but personal transformation was a significantly scarier prospect.

I needed further time before I was willing. Meanwhile, I did my best to become more masculine: I stopped wearing makeup and discarded all my women's clothing, cut off my hair and commenced using masculine outfits.

I altered how I sat, walked differently, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and regret had left me paralysed with fear.

Once the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a stint in New York City, following that period, I went back. I had reached a breaking point. I was unable to continue acting to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a feminine man who'd been presenting artificially since birth. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, moving in the illumination, and at that moment I understood that I was able to.

I made arrangements to see a doctor soon after. It took additional years before my transformation concluded, but not a single concern I feared came true.

I maintain many of my feminine mannerisms, so people often mistake me for a queer man, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to experiment with identity as Bowie had - and now that I'm content with my physical form, I am able to.