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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.