The Words from A Father Which Helped Me as a Brand-New Parent

"I believe I was just trying to survive for the first year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of fatherhood.

However the truth quickly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get assistance. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more comfortable addressing the pressure on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are linked to a broader reluctance to communicate among men, who still internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially in preference to a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a respite - going on a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a friend, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, socialising or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - nutritious food, staying active and when you can, resting, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their experiences, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional support he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their struggles, transformed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."